I'm not Afraid of the Dark, I Just REALLY Like the Light:)

So this morning was the first day of my “start my day right” challenge.  My niece has been my inspiration to this one because of her upbeat perspective on changing things for the better (you can read about her journey on her blog at http://www.masteringmelissa.blogspot.com/).  I am not trying to lose a bunch of weight but I am trying to keep myself balanced.  The only way I can do this is by starting it off first thing in the morning.  So I decided to get up early and go walking.  Not huge, I know, but it’s something. 

When I stepped outside I realized that it was REALLY dark this early in the morning.  I mean that the streets weren't that well lit.  They have street lamps in my area but it’s not like Canada, where it seemed that there was a street lamp every few houses.  Although I did find that I was extremely pleased because the darkness helped the stars to be the brightest I had ever seen in Utah.  Not a cloud in the sky and they were crystal clear; I think I even could see the Milky Way.  This beautiful sight gave me the boost to keep me going, so off I went. 

As I was going I started to notice that the pattern in which I was subconsciously walking that I was trying to stay in the tiny patches of light that I could find.  Some people might find it weird that a 37 year old woman is afraid of the dark, but the way I look at it is that I’m not afraid of the dark I just really like the feeling of safety when I can stand in the light.  I find the things that bring light to me make me smile, just like the stars that lit the night sky, so does the smile on my children’s face have the same effect.

Some may find the cloaking of the dark to be comforting… they aren't as easily seen and so there is something that they might find comforting in those moments.  To some degree I can understand this thought process, but then I step into the light and I remember how good it feels.  In today’s world there are a lot of dark moments, sad moments, scary moments, and we may feel like the darkness is closing in; but at those moments I have to step closer to that something that brings light and joy to my life.  

As I continued on my walk I was listening to talks that were given during General Conference for my church.  A talk came on titled, “Which Way Do You Face?” by Elder Lynn G. Robbins.  This talk was just what I needed to add onto my journey of walking closer to the light.  There are so many things that could point us away from the things that we know to be true, but if we realize that the ultimate source of light is our Heavenly Father and returning to Him, then stepping closer to those things that leads me there becomes easier to do.  As I do this my hope and prayer is that my children will follow because the joy won’t be as complete unless they are there with me.

A Few "Bumps" in the Road Trip

Lately I have been thinking a lot about an experience that I had some years ago when my nephew was leaving for a 2 year service mission for my church.  We knew that this day was coming and because of that we had planned a lengthy and fun trip to Canada.  My husband had gotten the time off approved months in advance and we were ready to go.  We were so excited for many reasons, family time, coming back to my home town, and just getting away.

Shortly before this anticipated trip my husband’s previous employer pulled the rug out from under us and told him that this was a “must win month” and that he couldn't go.  What the what!?!!  Our kids were so excited; how do we tell them about a week before that plans had changed?!?  So it was decided… I would take the 4 kids by myself.  That is 18 hours of road… with no out option.

My husband, feeling sad and worried about not coming, took the car to the mechanic because it had been having problems.  He stressed to the Mechanic that his wife was driving by herself with all the kids and that this needed to be done right so she wouldn't be stranded who knows where.  The owner of the shop assured him that he would look it over thoroughly.  So the next day I was off on our big adventure.

About 1 hour into the drive the weather stripping of our recently replaced windshield had come loose and was flapping in the wind.  I would pull over about every 15-30 mins and push it back on just do it again.  Finally I decided to find a store and buy some black duct tape to keep things together.  It seemed to be working even though this whole thing probably put us an hour behind; but we were off again on our big adventure.

As we approached the boarder I quickly realized that we were running low on gas.  Gas stations in this area are spread pretty far apart and I had forgotten this.  Gas was running so low that I was starting to worry that we were running on fumes.  I noticed that ahead of us that clouds were starting to look pretty bad and that a heavy storm was brewing.  It was so bad that cars were starting to pull over to the side of the road because the storm looked too dangerous.  I started to wonder if we should pull over… if we did I ran the risk of our car not starting again and that could be bad.  So I told the kids, “time to say a small prayer because we are driving through that storm ahead and we are running low on gas”.  The kids didn't even question me.  I looked in the rear view mirror to see all 4 heads bowed and arms folded as the proceeded to quietly pray… I too, as I was keeping my eyes on the road said a little prayer.  The storm was bad!  I have NEVER experienced a storm like that but we pressed forward.

Finally I saw a sign that told me that the town of Lethbridge wasn't far off.  We had made it!!!  I hollered out to the kids and we celebrating as we rolled into the gas station.  I still feel to this day that rolling in is no exaggeration.  We had NO more gas in the tank, and NO more fumes to burn.  I was floating with happiness as I filled up the car and climbed back in to get on the road again.  The kids smiles in the back were so huge.  As I turned the key to get on the road nothing happened and I mean NOTHING!  The car didn't do anything but make a clicking noise.  What was I going to do?!?  I didn't know anything about cars!  I called Scott to cry and get him to save me but what was he supposed to do??  He was forever away and he was just as helpless as me.  As I talked with him and he tried to help as best he could I had a thought to pop the hood up… maybe by some miracle I will all of a sudden become a mechanic… Ya right!  Once that hood was up I could tell that something wasn't attached like it should be.  In talking to Scott I figured out that it was the wire to the battery.  He told me to go into the gas station and ask if they had any electrical tape.  I wiped my eyes and got myself as together as I could and walked in.  I asked the cashier and she told me that they didn't sell it but that she thought there was some in a junk drawer that they had.  She looked and discovered she was wrong.  As she told me I felt the tears starting to brim and I had to get out of there fast.  I said thank you and left quickly (she must have thought I was a bit crazy or something).

I got in the car and caved over the wheel and started bawling to Scott on the phone.  The kids were silent in the back, unsure of what to do.  This wasn't good and we all knew it.  I decided to just start walking.  I had no idea where I was walking to but I was sure something would be there.  The street ahead was full of residential homes and all stores that I had seen were closed by this point.  As I started walking I saw the Southside Fire Station.  Firemen were trained to save damsels in distress!!!  I think that the individuals were caught off guard to see a red faced, puffy eyed lady knocking at their door but they unlocked it anyway.  I gave a brief description of my situation and one of the firemen stood up and said, “I can help you out.  I enjoy cars.  I don’t have electrical tape but I do have surgical tape.  It’s not a permanent fix but it will help get you to where you need to be.  Let me grab my tools and get things fixed for you.”  I couldn't adequately express my gratitude enough for his kindness.  He did exactly what he promised and we were on our way again.

We had 3 hours of driving to go and it was close to 9 pm.  I was spent but we had to press on because my sister was waiting for us in Calgary.  Very quietly one of the kids expressed their hunger… what comes next is not what you would call a good mom moment… “We are not stopping!” I said.  “Your Aunt is expecting us and waiting to feed us so we are going to her house!”  As I looked at the time and realized how stupid I was being, I quickly went into suck up mode… “You know when I was a kids one of my favorite places to go was Tim Hortons.  We loved to get their Timbits.  Oh look kids there’s one right there!  Let’s stop and get some!” I continued to talk about all their great food and the peach drink.  We drove through the drive through and I ordered all of the goodness I could think of.  When we got to the window I had become the fun mom again and passed my debit card to the nice lady with a smile.

“Oh we don’t take debit.” She said. 

Seriously!?!  You've got to be kidding me!!  “Oh that’s okay.  I have a credit card.” I said with a forced smile. 

“Oh good!” She replied.  And I passed her my card just in time for her to say, “All of them except Visa.”  I felt as though I had just stepped into the twilight zone.  All of them except Visa!?!  Who doesn't except Visa?!? 

As I sat there trying to control the tears from starting up again I said, “No worries.  I’ll go over to that gas station and get some cash out of the ATM.”

She pause a moment and said, “You know we are about to close and these are just going to end up in the trash, so just take them.”

“Are you serious?!?” I said.  She assured me she was and basically pushed the box into my car.  I was now fighting back the tears, not because I was at breaking point but because I was so grateful.  “Thank you so much.” Was all I could get out before the tears erupted down my face.  She had to think I was crazy for crying over donuts but I didn't care.  I had the craziest journey up until this point and this saved our entire trip. 

As we drove the next day I found out that the storm we drove through was a tornado!  Yes we did… We probably missed it because we kept driving but it was.  Now you might be thinking that I am over exaggerating this journey but I assure you that I am not!  You can ask my kids and they will agree, it was one crazy ride.

So why have I been thinking about this lately?  Well we all have a journey that we are on… some smooth and some with bigger “bumps in the road”.  No matter what kind of bumps we may have it can be difficult at times.  Some struggles are more noticeable than others, while some are quieter and less obvious, but just as difficult.  

I ask my kids often if they have passed out any "free donuts" today.  This has personal meaning to each of us because of our trip.  The lady at Tim Hortons had no idea what we had been through.  She had no idea what a difference this simple act had on me and my kids, but it changed our trip for the better.  We all have opportunities to pass out free donuts; I just hope we open our eyes see them because “the worth of souls is great in the sight of God” (D&C 18:10).

My Recharge for Life

For some of you that don’t know, I belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, otherwise known as a Mormon.  There are many misconceptions out in the world about our religion and I totally understand that.  This post is mostly for me, as my girls challenged me to get back into journal writing, so I apologize if this is confusing.

I had a gentle reminder that I desperately needed recently that I felt was important to write about… the importance of prayer.  I’m not talking about praying for others, because I feel like that at times is easier to do.  I am talking about deep pleading of personal prayer.  I am a pretty self-reliant individual and I like to do things.  “Doing” keeps me busy and at times keeps me moving (which I need).  So when I found myself overloaded and reaching my end praying for myself really didn't sound appealing.  Some of you might be thinking something like, “Wow!  I can’t believe she hasn't been praying like that!” or “Really!?! Prayer is just part of my daily routine…” and to you I say well done! Some people gain their testimonies on different things in different ways, and it looks as though you have a greater understanding than I did on prayer.  Being judgmental and prideful might be your next testimony building opportunity but this was my moment to build a deeper understanding to my testimony.   

This started a while ago when my husband got a much deserved promotion.  I was so happy for him to finally get recognized for what I already knew he deserved.  This would come with some minor changes in routine, but as a family we all felt we could do it.  He was already travelling with his current position but with this job change travel would increase a bit.  We were up for it though because this was good.  Shortly after this good news we were caught by surprise that Scott would receive a new calling in our church. Currently he was serving in the church in the Young Mens Presidency, which he loved.  So I wasn't prepared for him to get called as 2^nd counselor in the Bishopric. 

One thing about me that you have to understand is that I LOVE my husband.  I love spending time with him when he is home and when I have a calling I love working with him because we get to spend more time together.  He’s my best friend and I’m kind of selfish with his time.  That being said I love my Heavenly Father too.  And a long time ago Scott and I made the decision that we would do what was inspired of us… that includes callings.  I knew that he would be great and that he would do his best for the ward but I wasn't sure how I would do… I was very grateful for the individuals that were chosen as Bishop and 1^st counselor.  Great comfort was found there and in their wives.  They are all great examples to my life.

When it was officially announced to the ward I was feeling less than adequate.  I knew that this was his calling but it was going to directly affect our home… in one way or another.  The fear of the unknown and wrapping my brain around this whole situation was quite a process.  People kept on coming up to me and said congratulations… I couldn't help but think, “Really?? Congratulations?? Is that what this is??” I may have even said that to some that said it too me.  People also comforted me greatly by telling me, that from experience, they knew that great blessings were in store for our family because of this service.  I needed to hear that because I felt like we were going to need some BIG blessings.

So it had begun… the next 2 weeks progressed on and they were AWFUL!!!  Scott traveled more than ever… the kids were at each other… my 2 year old started waking up at 6 am (and I am not a morning person), and some of the teenagers were in rare form… attitude.  These “blessings” that everyone talked about weren't turning out so great.  I was at my wits end.  I was melting and my husband wasn't here for me to tap out because he was travelling.  When he got back from out of town it was catch-up time so we really didn't get to regroup together and this caused more of a sinking feeling.  I was starting to (I think) give up.  I was just trying to survive and I wasn't doing this well.  Bad mom was lurking around every corner.  I’m sure that the kids were starting to get scared to talk to me because I wasn't happy.  These so called “blessings” were sure taking their time.

Finally my husband was home and wasn't distracted so we had time to regroup.  I began to express the issues at hand and after a long discussion of sorts I finished my venting and we had a plan… although I still didn't feel much better.  I think I was depressed.  This was kind of new for me.  It was now about 11 am and I had yet to have a shower.  I climbed in and started to cry… and now that the flood gates were open there was no stopping it.  For the first time in a long time I had a conversation with my Heavenly Father, in a way questioning His plan in all this.  I questioned these so called “blessings” that had been talked about… And whether it was my thoughts or something placed in my mind I will let you decide but the thought came to me, “how can the blessings come if you don’t ask for them?” Humility hit me hard.  I couldn't believe I had been so selfish in just expecting wonderful things to be poured out to me and my family when I hadn't even gotten on my knees to ask in faith.  Because I was in such survival mode, at the end of the night I basically collapsed on my bed and was OUT! I had nothing left in the tank.  So very quietly I had forgotten the most important recharge of life… prayer.

I repented.  That night as I crawled into bed I prayed a prayer that was so specific for the gratitude in my heart and the helps that we needed.  I laid my head down with a clear mind.  The next morning was a new feeling that I haven’t felt in a while… peace.  The kids were all doing what they knew they needed to; the teens were happy; the baby slept in; and I was smiling.  It was more than a mindset, it was grace.  I had done everything I could do, but I had reached a point in which I couldn't do any more.  By calling upon my Heavenly Father, He gave me the gift of Grace.  He filled in the gaps of where I fell short.

As I was driving home from dropping one of my kids off at school, I looked off toward the mountains and saw the rays of sunlight braking through 2 mountain landscapes and a gratitude filled my heart like I haven’t felt in a long time… it was a brightness of hope.  I can now move forward in faith knowing that my Father in Heaven will be there for me even when I don’t recognize it.