My Recharge for Life

For some of you that don’t know, I belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, otherwise known as a Mormon.  There are many misconceptions out in the world about our religion and I totally understand that.  This post is mostly for me, as my girls challenged me to get back into journal writing, so I apologize if this is confusing.

I had a gentle reminder that I desperately needed recently that I felt was important to write about… the importance of prayer.  I’m not talking about praying for others, because I feel like that at times is easier to do.  I am talking about deep pleading of personal prayer.  I am a pretty self-reliant individual and I like to do things.  “Doing” keeps me busy and at times keeps me moving (which I need).  So when I found myself overloaded and reaching my end praying for myself really didn't sound appealing.  Some of you might be thinking something like, “Wow!  I can’t believe she hasn't been praying like that!” or “Really!?! Prayer is just part of my daily routine…” and to you I say well done! Some people gain their testimonies on different things in different ways, and it looks as though you have a greater understanding than I did on prayer.  Being judgmental and prideful might be your next testimony building opportunity but this was my moment to build a deeper understanding to my testimony.   

This started a while ago when my husband got a much deserved promotion.  I was so happy for him to finally get recognized for what I already knew he deserved.  This would come with some minor changes in routine, but as a family we all felt we could do it.  He was already travelling with his current position but with this job change travel would increase a bit.  We were up for it though because this was good.  Shortly after this good news we were caught by surprise that Scott would receive a new calling in our church. Currently he was serving in the church in the Young Mens Presidency, which he loved.  So I wasn't prepared for him to get called as 2^nd counselor in the Bishopric. 

One thing about me that you have to understand is that I LOVE my husband.  I love spending time with him when he is home and when I have a calling I love working with him because we get to spend more time together.  He’s my best friend and I’m kind of selfish with his time.  That being said I love my Heavenly Father too.  And a long time ago Scott and I made the decision that we would do what was inspired of us… that includes callings.  I knew that he would be great and that he would do his best for the ward but I wasn't sure how I would do… I was very grateful for the individuals that were chosen as Bishop and 1^st counselor.  Great comfort was found there and in their wives.  They are all great examples to my life.

When it was officially announced to the ward I was feeling less than adequate.  I knew that this was his calling but it was going to directly affect our home… in one way or another.  The fear of the unknown and wrapping my brain around this whole situation was quite a process.  People kept on coming up to me and said congratulations… I couldn't help but think, “Really?? Congratulations?? Is that what this is??” I may have even said that to some that said it too me.  People also comforted me greatly by telling me, that from experience, they knew that great blessings were in store for our family because of this service.  I needed to hear that because I felt like we were going to need some BIG blessings.

So it had begun… the next 2 weeks progressed on and they were AWFUL!!!  Scott traveled more than ever… the kids were at each other… my 2 year old started waking up at 6 am (and I am not a morning person), and some of the teenagers were in rare form… attitude.  These “blessings” that everyone talked about weren't turning out so great.  I was at my wits end.  I was melting and my husband wasn't here for me to tap out because he was travelling.  When he got back from out of town it was catch-up time so we really didn't get to regroup together and this caused more of a sinking feeling.  I was starting to (I think) give up.  I was just trying to survive and I wasn't doing this well.  Bad mom was lurking around every corner.  I’m sure that the kids were starting to get scared to talk to me because I wasn't happy.  These so called “blessings” were sure taking their time.

Finally my husband was home and wasn't distracted so we had time to regroup.  I began to express the issues at hand and after a long discussion of sorts I finished my venting and we had a plan… although I still didn't feel much better.  I think I was depressed.  This was kind of new for me.  It was now about 11 am and I had yet to have a shower.  I climbed in and started to cry… and now that the flood gates were open there was no stopping it.  For the first time in a long time I had a conversation with my Heavenly Father, in a way questioning His plan in all this.  I questioned these so called “blessings” that had been talked about… And whether it was my thoughts or something placed in my mind I will let you decide but the thought came to me, “how can the blessings come if you don’t ask for them?” Humility hit me hard.  I couldn't believe I had been so selfish in just expecting wonderful things to be poured out to me and my family when I hadn't even gotten on my knees to ask in faith.  Because I was in such survival mode, at the end of the night I basically collapsed on my bed and was OUT! I had nothing left in the tank.  So very quietly I had forgotten the most important recharge of life… prayer.

I repented.  That night as I crawled into bed I prayed a prayer that was so specific for the gratitude in my heart and the helps that we needed.  I laid my head down with a clear mind.  The next morning was a new feeling that I haven’t felt in a while… peace.  The kids were all doing what they knew they needed to; the teens were happy; the baby slept in; and I was smiling.  It was more than a mindset, it was grace.  I had done everything I could do, but I had reached a point in which I couldn't do any more.  By calling upon my Heavenly Father, He gave me the gift of Grace.  He filled in the gaps of where I fell short.

As I was driving home from dropping one of my kids off at school, I looked off toward the mountains and saw the rays of sunlight braking through 2 mountain landscapes and a gratitude filled my heart like I haven’t felt in a long time… it was a brightness of hope.  I can now move forward in faith knowing that my Father in Heaven will be there for me even when I don’t recognize it.